


Never enough

by WishStone



Series: For Now, It's Enough [1]
Category: Persona 4
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Mentions of Rape, Triggers, kannao - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 05:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5322800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WishStone/pseuds/WishStone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something was wrong with the Detective Prince. Kanji had noticed her vanish during lunch break, but he wasn't sure where she went or why she was hiding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never enough

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hanuwabbit](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Hanuwabbit).



> This... grew far bigger than I had planned, hah. It was supposed to be a motivational piece for Hanuwabbit to make her bloody well stop putting her skills down all the bleedin' time. Some smaller edits were made to bring the story in line with the amazing piece Hanuwabbit made for the story over on her tumblr. [Check it out! ](http://tinyurl.com/zwdbsr4)
> 
> Also, this was a piece hammered together in less than 24 hours. It's not peer-reviewed and if you see something that makes your eyes bleed, please do let me know so I can fix it. :)

 

Finding Naoto Shirogane when she did not wish to be found was an art form.

An art form which Kanji Tatsumi had thought he had grown to thoroughly master in the year she had now spend at Yasogami High. Maybe he was wrong in thinking that.

Rise gave her tall blond friend a puzzled look. "I hadn't even noticed her being, you know, more  _Shirogane_  than she usually is..."

He rolled his shoulders uncomfortably. While Rise was right in that statement he disliked anyone, even her own friends, making fun of Naoto. "Well, you know, she usually likes to hang back in class at lunch. Catch up on homework or do some in advance, that sort of stuff?" He rubbed his neck a little uneasily. Rise  _noticed_  things. And  _she'd_  notice that  _he'd_  notice that there was something special to notice about Naoto.  _Damnit._

Thankfully, she must have not been in one of her more devilish moods. "Okay, yes, that makes sense. I've seen her do that. So today she left right away. Then why aren't you out looking for her?"

He looked up and down the hallway a few times, then leaned in on his idol friend. "Her last class was with you, right?" When Rise nodded, he continued, "I don't know what upset her, so I dunno how to find her. You kinda, you know, have to get into her head a little. The first thing to find out: Why did she wanna be alone, see?" He leaned one hand against the wall and hunched his shoulders.

She simply gave a half-smile and shrugged. "Not really. But what do you actually want to know from me, Moronji? You're wasting time by standing here and going all  _kabe-don_  on me."

His head snapped up, looked at her, then in panic at his hand bracing him against the wall beside her. He jumped back as if struck by Z _iodyne_. "I-I..!"

Rise trilled her happy, mischievous laugh and twirled to hug his arm. "Oh Kanji-kun, I'm just teasing." She pressed two fingers to her lips and pondered. "Well, a little. I am sure the third years near the stairway in the back are currently so jealous that they've popped several spontaneous wrinkles and some grey hair."

Paling, he looked down his arm at Risette, who had just started to do some small TV appearances to get her name back into people's minds, then slowly turned his head to his right. She was right.  _Damnit!_

He looked back down at his friend when she tugged at his sleeve. "Okay, I'll help you. Let's see." She pursed her lips and gave his question some earnest thought. "The only thing I have noticed today was that she was in an off mood already before class started. She carried some papers with her that didn't look like school work, looked like some fancy document or another in a folder. And. Hm. Come to think of it, she also looked like she was having an argument with herself, you know. Not really saying anything, but her expressions changed as if she was. Eer. Not sure you can see what I mean."

He shook his head no. However, that means that she was most likely not in the library. That's where she went when she was annoyed with other students or when she wanted to work quietly without distractions. It was not a place she went to for just, well, sulking.

It also meant she would not be in any of the other class rooms. Whenever she was being grumpy, she preferred to hide from her fellow students.

"Thanks, Rise. That actually does help." He turned to walk away.

...and was anchored in place by the idol on his arm. "Wait, no thank-you gift?" She looked up at him with large, sparkling eyes.

"Huh?"

A slow grin spread across her face. "Well, if we already are starting rumors, might as well do it properly, mhm?" She pointed to her cheek. "Plant one!"

"Wha-!"

"Don't be shy. We still have an audience after all. Cannot let down our new fans?" She turned her head to give their senpai a glorious smile and wink.

Kanji leaned his head back and pinched his eyes shut. "I know you did this to Naoto the other day, too, you know..."

She turned her head and looked back up at him, smile even bigger. "Oooh, so it's going around school? Wonderful! Now, let's add you. Cheek, or I'll think of something, Kanji-kun!"

He looked at her, sighed, pressed his lips to her forehead a moment and muttered a quick thank-you.

"Heeey, that barely counts! You'd kiss your sister like that!"

He pulled his arm free. "One more word out of you, and I'll not help you tease our senpai again. Ever."

He turned on his heel, stomping down the stairs to the front doors, already hearing her chuckle. As he was out of sight, she squealed, "I'll see you after school, Kanjiiii~!"

He stopped, sighed, felt the daggers being glared at his back and ran downstairs to the entrance hall. He didn't bother changing his shoes, either, he just wanted to get his head outside for a moment to cool off the blush on his face. He opened the doors-

Into what felt like a wall of rain.  _Okay, this means she's not outside, either!_

He pressed himself against the wall, hoping the wind would keep coming from behind the building. It gave him a bit of protection from the rain as it pretty much was blown away from him. Okay, so, she's not indoors. She's not out here. But if Naoto wasn't in the building and wasn't out in the yard... She was not one to hide in the gym or the other rooms in the annex. Did she skip afternoon classes? That absolutely did not sound like her.

Neither did the guttural scream from three floors up.

Kanji spun around and looked up, blinking at the fat drops hitting him.

Active thought went on pause as he dashed back inside, dug a towel and his umbrella out of his locker and the stand respectively and dashed up the stairs three steps at a time.

He had barely reached the door to the roof, when he heard another shout and he hoped that his gut instinct was utterly and horribly wrong. Maybe it was just a bunch of idiot Risette fans slugging it out and all he needed to do up there was threaten them to go inside before he joined in on smacking their idiot heads.

The door flew open and the first year who had taken over the care for the weather station last summer ran past him pale-faced. "You don't want to be out there," she shouted over her shoulder, not stopping.

He caught the door, pulled it open again and stopped to stare. She was out here alright.

Seeing Naoto upset never failed to amaze him. There was something about her that puffed her up, made her bigger and more dangerous. Even if, like now, her hat was lying in a puddle a step away from her, she had gasped the chain-link fence bordering the roof of Yaso-High tightly in both hands and her head hung down, pushing her extended arms against the fence. Her body quaked and while it was blustery with the rain and wind, Kanji was certain that was not due to cold.

For the third time this lunch break, he silently cursed.  _Oh_  d _amnit..._

He opened his umbrella, slung the towel around his neck and slowly approached her.

When he was behind her, he took the towel down to hide it under his jacket and pushed the umbrella forward, making sure she was covered. His back caught the rest of the sideways sheeting rain and he didn't care one bit. He sadly looked down at her, her fists near white as they clenched into the fence, her hair sodden and hanging plastered over the back of her head. The least he could do is show that she wasn't alone right now – soaked as she was, she wasn't likely to get any use at all from being shielded from the rain.

Standing this close, he felt her radiate absolute and utter upset. Her tense stance, her shuddering, not to mention the outcry he heard that made him dash up here. Kanji knew that it would be a while before she was able to speak to him.

This was something it took a while for him to learn: If you poked at Naoto Shirogane in this state, she would turn on you; redirecting all her pent-up emotion against whomever foolish enough to speak to her. It was an instinctive thing for her almost, used to deflect her upset and push away anyone who might be close enough to notice her strong façade break and crumble.

She was also quite terrible at apologies, so in the past they had wasted precious days or even weeks of not being able to talk to one another, while both struggled to find words to apologize for what could have actually been shrugged off after the first storm blew over.

And so he simply stood, fending off the rain with both his body and the umbrella, waiting for her to collect herself.

Gently, ever so slowly, her posture changed. The stiffness melted from her shoulders, her head started to hang a bit lower, and the vicious grip of her fists into the chain-link fence loosened. He was certain she had been crying, why else storm outside in this weather? Naoto was so damned logical and hiding her tears in cold rain was just so... so  _Naoto_.

When she barely held on, he pulled the towel out from under his jacket and silently offered it, holding it out to her side. As he had suspected, the first motion she made was to run the towel over her face. Then she clutched it with both hands, giving it a shivering deep breath. "Ah. It would have been you or Rise, Kanji-kun."

He said nothing, unsure if it was safe yet. Also, his heart certainly had stopped when she had identified his towel by his scent. Curse his coward's soul, one and a half years and he still had not even worked up the nerved to ask her to head out to Okina for a movie or something. So he simply stood, frozen in time, as he watched her rub her face into his towel once more, taking deep, shuddering breaths to calm herself down.

Kanji forced thoughts of Naoto knowing his scent aside by watching her bend down, pick up her soaked hat and turn around, his towel in her hand. Her face was red, but it could have been cold or tears or both. She suddenly stiffened again, when she saw him stand, arm outstretched to hold out a cover for her. "Oh, Kanji-kun! You're getting yourself soaked! Inside, now!" She wrapped an arm around his midsection and walked them to the stairway, trying to stick closer to him. "You will certainly catch a cold if you stand out in the rain like this."  _Look who's talking, Detective Prince..._

As they hustled back inside, Kanji spread the open umbrella over the handrail, letting it shed its water onto the stairs below. He looked down the run to make sure that no one was listening in on them. Then turned around to face Naoto.

She stood, looking a little helpless now. In one hand was her soaked hat, in the other his towel, She didn't seem to know what to do with either of them. Kanji gently learned closer, taking both from her. It was still too early to speak up himself, so he simply held on to both items until she let go.

He gently rolled her cap into one end of the towel, rolling them up together, squeezing water from the cap and letting the towel soak it up. He wrung out the towel, then repeated the action slowly a few more times. Finally, he draped her hat over the umbrella's peak and handed her back the towel. She took it, holding it as if she was not sure what to do with it.

He gestured to the stairs. "Come. Let's sit."

Naoto nodded and walked down a few steps before he caught her shoulder. "Ah, maybe just around here, eh? Don' wanna have people see us soaked like this yet, hm?"

Another nod and she simply dropped onto the stairs. Kanji quietly sat himself down a few steps behind her and to her side.

Slowly she raised his towel and started to rub it over her short hair. "How did you find me? And with enough time to plan for…" She lifted a corner the towel briefly.

He chuckled humorlessly. "Well, I was just standing downstairs, taking a nice breath of fresh air when I thought the bastard kid of a Minotaur and a Gigas was let loose on the roof."

She froze mid-motion and slowly turned her head. "Are you implying you heard me?"

He nodded. "And nearly crashed into that poor first-year who took over minding the weather station, too."

She resumed to rub at her wet hair again. "I... apologize. I was unaware to have been quite so… noisy."

Kanji simply shrugged. He held her gaze a while till he started to fear drowning in the light blue-grey pools and sharply looked down at his hands.

They sat in quiet for some time after. She handed him the towel back and he took it, looking at it. His hair was okay, only his back felt soaked. But not as soaked as she was. He slowly shifted sideways and draped the towel over her shoulders, gently rubbing them. His mind went on auto-pilot and he simply started to babble what came to his mind to avoid thinking about what he was doing.

"Rise said there was a letter or some'in. Said it had you pretty upset. Thought I'd come and check on ya, y'know?"

"Rise-san noticed my distress?"

"Well... kinda."

"Or... you did and prompted her, more like."

He confirmed her assumption with absolute silence and making sure to not look in her direction.

"I see." She shivered and he rubbed the towel a bit more vigorously over her back. When she continued, her voice was barely a whisper. "I… have been informed, again, that my accolades are insufficient. It seems I'll never again be considered acceptably competent."

He pulled down his brows, trying to follow. Now that she was calming down, her language shifted back in that stilted, posh tone of hers. He had grown to actually enjoy listening to her speak that way. He missed about half of what she said, but it was just so much  _her_.

"Why're you sayin' that? You're plenty, uh, compenting."

Her soft chuckle was worth trying to struggle along with her manner of speech. "Thank you for thinking so, Kanji-kun. Now if only others were to feel the same way." She shivered again. "It feels like it'll just never 'be enough', no matter how hard I work."

He kept rubbing her back through the towel and frowned. "That sounds like a load- I mean, I don't agree. You're plenty smart, you keep gettin' smarter…"

"I knew it would change things, having my gender be known." Her voice was vanishingly small to begin with, but it grew quieter with each following word. "I had requested access to the case files of a matter I had heard about via some acquaintances of Grampa. I was told, very formally and politely, that the matter was well at hand and no further investigative assistance was needed."

Kanji made an affirmative noise, slowly shifting behind her so he didn't need to twist his back so much. He ended up sitting behind her, his legs resting on the stair she sat on. "Shut ya down, eh?"

Naoto nodded, "Very much so. But that wasn't the worst of it." She was quiet, and in his mind's eye he could see her chew at her lip. "The folder Rise-san saw? It was from the same friend of Grampas. Two weeks after I offered my help, the case became decidedly active once more and this time ... well." She stopped and he felt her starting to tense up again; felt her take a breath a few times as if to speak, then pause again. She finally started with, "The matter is not for polite conversation. Let us just say that another victim was drastically harmed. And the same police force that had told me to not get involved has reached out to my grandfather now. When he pointed out that he was busy, but I would be happy to assist, they confessed having doubts about a..."

He voice trailed off. A shudder ran through her. Another. Then a hiccup. "Na-Naot-?"

She grabbed a corner of the towel, pulled it forward roughly while twisting sideways and buried her face, trying to hide her face from him.

Kanji thought his heart would shatter. He hated this. Hated being a coward. Hated her damned pride. Hated the twenty centimeters between them that seemed too far to bridge in a million years.

She dropped the towel and turned to look at him. As if the grey in her eyes was being washed out by her tears, the redness made her eyes appear like dark sapphires to him. Her voice was eerily cool and even when she continued. "Let me be frank. I hunted down my first rapist three years ago, aged thirteen. I had just started ..." She nodded down to her chest and he nodded, gulping, "...and Grandpa had started to cover for my gender in public. And amazingly, nothing was thought off with a thirteen year old boy helping with the investigation of rape victims, interviewing them, reviewing medical reports, rape kits and interviewing suspects with the supervision of other detectives. I bust that case wide open. It was one of the first cases I solved without Grampa being involved."

As always when she spoke of these things Kanji felt the warm glow of pride in the young woman, his friend, his crush. "That's fantastic."

"Yes. And over the years I assisted in bringing down two other rapists. I know how to track them. I know how to think my way into their power-hungry minds. I can ferret them out." Her lip quivered and she bit own on it sharply, making herself wince. In a softer register, she whispered, "But now that I am known to be female, all of a sudden exposing me to the cruel realities of crime seem to be out of the question. There is a serial rapist out there, only eighty kilometers south of us. Right.  _Now_. And I am being told that I cannot be burdened with the task of tracing him down." She turned around, facing down the stairway again. "More women will be abused and traumatized, because  _Naoto Shirogane_  happens to be a woman herself and is clearly unprepared to address the task at hand."

With a grunt, Kanji slid down the last stair. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders; her outrage or whatever be damned. "That's nonsense."

She stiffened, her breath caught. And then she relaxed, her shoulders shaking slightly. "It is more than that. It is dangerous. It is irresponsible."

"Not what I meant."

"Pardon?"

He hugged his arms around her shoulders and held her.

"Kanji-kun?"

"Thinkin', gimmie a moment."

She fell quiet and it now was her turn to wait for him.

"'s nonsense that you cannot help because yer a girl, Naoto." As she tried to protest, he went on quickly, "No, wait, le-lemme finish, else it'll come out all wrong."

She nodded in agreement and relaxed further into his grip. He shifted the towel around her shoulders and held her again.

"How old was your Ma when she handled her first solo case?"

"My... my mother? I do not think I recall, but-"

"How 'bout your dad?"

"-I coul... my father? I've be equally taxed to try and find ou-"

"Okay, so how about Grampa? His dad? Their dad? How old were they? How many of the Shirogane were women and how young were they when they started?"

"Kanji-kun, if you'd just let me answ-"

He knew if he stopped now, he'd lose his train of thought. Or his... what was it called… Thing, bravado. Or just say some stupid shit again. "No, Naoto. Don't answer. Just think for me. How much of it matters that you're a seventeen-year-old? And how much of it that you're a gi- a woman? And how much of all of that do you think is happenin' only because of people not knowing you?"

She turned her head and simply looked at him.

"'s unfair, yeah. And it makes me angry, too, y'know? If they had let ya help sooner, they could already have caught the asshole. But they didn't. They are idiots. They are being dumb about all'a this and people will suffer for it." He hugged her tightly again, leaning his head against her neck. "But that's not your fault. You  _are_  good enough. Yer a-awesome. I'm proud I know ya an' t-that ya think we're friends."

Her eyes had widened as she listen to him speak. She now swallowed heavily, opening her mouth a few times to speak, but no words came.

Kanji pressed on. "S-so, yeah." He leaned back a bit to look into her eyes. "What I think I'm tryin'er say is... you're you. Dude, chick, none'a that matters. Neither does your age, really. An' ... damnit, you  _know_  that already, Naoto! Stop dwelling on that shit. You'll just keep being better. A week from today, you'll be better. A month, a year, a decade from now, just so long as you keep at it, you'll keep getting better an' better."

She turned her head away for a moment and just blinked slowly.

He snorted. "Know what ya should do? You should write to these assholes and point them to the cops you helped with the other r-rapists." He choked out the last word. It  _was_  awesome that she could handle these things so easily. The world had its share of assholes, but they also had  _her_  to keep them in check. "Let 'em know what idiots they are for, y'know, not lettin ya do yer thing. Should just go there and take over, man. Show them how the fuck it's done."

Silence followed his speech. He couldn't remember the last time he had spoken this much, never mind if he ever had managed to talk at any length of time with Naoto. He stopped hugging her, dropping his arms to his legs and holding on to his knees awkwardly.

"I never realized how highly you think of my work, Kanji-kun." Naoto's voice was oddly quiet.

He couldn't look at her. Was she mocking him? Was she smiling? Was she just being nice? He didn't really want to know. He felt embarrassed and like a huge idiot. "Sorry," he muttered.

"For what? For reminding me of who I am and how powerful I truly am?"

His eyes were drawn to his right knee by movement. Kanji watched as Naoto's hand slowly inched under his own. She hesitated, then laced her fingers with his. Looking at her face, he saw how she watched in fascination herself, as if she was not the one initiating this contact or as if the action happened without her having any part in it.

They sat in silence for a moment, both simply looking at their hands.

She was the first one to speak up. "Rise-san."

His head jerked up and he looked down the stairway. No one was there.

"She keeps saying I need to spend more time with you. Said it would be good for both of us." She closed her fingers slowly, and he mimicked her, his lager hand gently shielding hers; their fingers locking tightly. Their eyes were still glued to their hands. "Seeing how you managed to break me of my inner demons this swiftly, I am bound to agree with her."

She turned her head and looked up at him. Swallowing hard, feeling a shiver, he returned her gaze.

"Would you consider coming to Okina with me later today? I'd like... I would appreciate it, if you... Hm." She paused. "I am not trying to- Kanji-kun, when I compose my email to the police force of-"

"Yes, Naoto, I'll be happy to spend the evening in Okina with ya." He grinned. "And if you dumbass think of backing out of telling these cops just how you need to come out to save their bacon, you'll let me have a word with 'em! "

She nodded and turned her head, smiling at their hands. "I would appreciate the cognizance of my worthiness which you provide. From a frie- no. I'd appreciate if  _you_  reminded me, Kanji-kun."


End file.
